Catherine Todd, Wed, Jul 16, 2008 at 8:52 AM
To: Learned Luddite
Thanks, Cat...
"Dear Catherine, listened to the music and my Irish feet started tapping the measure even as my brain was listening to the subtle interplay of the musicians.To be fair, this is not my fault, my mother was a Fitzgerald and Celtic music always whips up something in my blood and moves my feet."
So glad you liked the music! I had no inkling you were Irish (like me - mother was a Merrick) but something told me you might like it! I particularly loved the way you described your "experience" of it.
I'm doing so-so with the horrible Richard and his horrible girlfriend. Bouncing all over the place, actually. Being "big" being "small" trying to figure out if it's worth it to purse getting my money here and / or in the states, how much will it cost financially to fly from NC to AZ to file against his corporation there (can file by mail, have to appear in court), wondering why oh why did he do this to me, so eager to lie, so eager to steal... how could I have been such a fool, afraid to pay anyone anything now no matter what kind of "contract" I have written in stone... that's the worst part. I don't know how to do business anymore, or trust anyone for anything. It's like being robbed and raped by someone you KNEW.
I had put other people up there at the hotel for a week before, I had stayed there for two weeks myself to "be sure everything was alright" and everything was "fine." I couldn't wait to move in. Then the first day, everything changes and I know I've made a BIG mistake, but he has all my money. That was another mistake: he wanted three months rent in advance, I ended up giving him six or seven months. Looking back, I can't believe it, but I did this all the time with my previous landlord (since I'm back and forth to the states all the time) and it worked out fine.
Then his manager tries to take me for everything I've got, I find out Richard's wife has left and divorced him, he's out of money and his true character comes out. I become the target. It's just unbelievable. Now his evil witch girlfriend (in her fifties, probably) with her cocaine and alcohol addictions (same as him?) comes to defend Richard and calls me all kinds of names and accuses me of criminal activities in court (no proof of course) and they both jump up in my face and threaten me the moment the judge leaves the room. It was awful and still is. Just like growing up at home. Mother and Father and punishment and a beating waiting in the wings. Growing up in a Nazi concentration camp where nothing you did was ever right, the rules always kept changing, you were penalized and punished at whim, lies were accepted as truth, and death was waiting around every door.
Last night went to a spiritual healing at the local church with the pastor's wife and a Guatemalan friend, who has been getting me to go to church, and it really helped. While I was there.
Then up all night again for the second night in a row. This HAS to be God's way of "clearing my heart" and forcing me to see that I do have power now, I am not a helpless, blameless child who is getting the sh** kicked out of her, that I do have rights and I CAN stand up for myself. I used to be so good at standing up, but I did it with "full armour" and a defensive posture. Now that I've tried to give up anger and not react that way, not go on the offensive which I do so well, I'm sitting here lost and alone. And afraid. And full of tears. I actually cried in front of everyone at the magistrate's office after those two threatened me and I ran out of the room. I was mortified, but since it's a Latin American country tears are more than acceptable. It was the strangest experience of my life, seeing myself sitting there scared out of my wits, tears streaming down my face, talking about how my father was "just like Richard, so angry and so violent" and how my father "tried to strangle me in front of witnesses" and tried to kill me three different times.
When will I get over this? I hope the answer is NOW. Now that I am at least showing my fear on the outside as well as keeping it on the inside, but not forever under wraps. I am NOT the "fearless individual" that everyone thinks I am. I do things that require great courage - from me - since I am so fearful of so many things, but I do them anyway, but that doesn't make me NOT FEARFUL. So now if I can get the "inside to match the outside" maybe things will be alright. Fear can come out to play, so to speak, and then it can go on it's way. Maybe it will be over that way. If I can take care of the Richard thing, and not let it destroy my peace of mind - which it is doing right now - then I will have won. That is all I can hope for and it will be enough.
My wonderful translator Gabriella, who is studying to be a lawyer, says "Don't worry Catherine. We are going to teach Richard a lesson - about how he has to treat people. He obviously hasn't learned this yet and we are here to do it."
Amen. Then she said "You have to get over being so afraid, as this fear is making you sick."
Doubly true. I said "I've been trying my whole life. How do I do it?"
I have stood up for myself over and over again, but the fear never truly leaves. Now I'm trying to do with with asking God at the same time to help me on this road and to hold my hand. If these poor Guatemalans can have peace and be happy day by day, then I with all my credit cards and belongings must be able to hope the same will come my way. This is my church and my happiness, waiting in the wings. I believe the word is "Faith" and I hope it will return, once again. It's been gone for such a long time.
Lesson from the church yesterday:
I apparently have to FORGIVE Richard (ughhh) and ALLOW God to "replace the stolen money" while STILL going to the "big court in Solola" and I was down on my knees praying while the two women were calling God into the room and into me, into my heart to change my heart, to help me and heal me and give me faith. Tears were flowing, let me tell you.
I tell you, to a lapsed Catholic like me, it was pretty incredible. But I don't have the right kind of book to read at night when the devils close in. Now that it's daytime someone started playing music at 7:00 a.m. and I went to sleep around 4 or 5, and I have appointments with people all day so am exhausted for the second day. I am not sure what to do but LEARN how to PRAY.
I have to develop FAITH in something; what else is there in the END?
What's with all these capitals, I can hear her say as she types away... Good to hear from you this morning and be reminded of the "toe-tapping magical dance" that cannot "lead us astray." Will keep listening to this beautiful music; I downloaded three albums worth.
How are YOU doing? I looked up "Luddite" online before I got your answer, and yes, they were one and the same! LOL...
Your friend, Catherine
"The winds of grace blow all the time. All we need do is set our sails."
~ Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa ~ Gospel of Ramakrishna
On Wed, Jul 16, 2008 at 8:20 AM, Learned Luddite wrote:
Dear Catherine, listened to the music and my Irish feet started tapping the measure even as my brain was listening to the subtle interplay of the musicians.To be fair, this is not my fault, my mother was a Fitzgerald and celtic music always whips up something in my blood and moves my feet.
Heel to toe and row on row, all for Mairie's wedding! This was superb.
Are you alright with the awful Richard?
Your friend, Cat If you want to hear some really interesting, beautiful folk / Celtic music - different than anything I've heard before, listen to "Music of Waters" by Shira Kammen at Magnatune.com. http://magnatune.com/artists/albums/shira-waters/
You can listen to the entire album and buy the CD or a download later on if you want. She's got 6 albums out, all are great. I have a monthly subscription and can download whatever I want. It's really great. This music is really incredible. Love "Downstream" the best, and some of the fiddle and drumming tracks.
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I've attached "Downstream" by Shira Kammen. Will this mp3 file open and play on your computer? Give it a try and let me know... gorgeous Folk / Celtic music. If not, you can listen to it on the website. Yours, Catherine
